Introduction

In the Spring of 2009, Theodore K. Bear (aka "The Bear") was the subject of world renound celebrity-photographer Wanda Varony's latest photo-journalism production. Varony documented the raw, true-life reality of famed celebrity "The Bear", as she produced three hit "reality tv-shows photo books" documenting the Bear's life. The creations gave the public a long awaited all-access pass to seeing the behind-the-scenes life of a celebrity bear super-model.

We had The Bear give us his full account commentary of the each of the stories below:

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It was March 20th, 2009 and I had a big photo shoot with J Crew today. Waking up is never an easy thing for me to do. Strike that. Waking up is bullshit. I especially hate waking up due to my god-damn, nut-bag, neighbor running his leaf blower at eight in the morning. I much prefer when my favorite kitten, Orange & White, wakes me up by climbing around on my face because he's hungry for breakfast. Sometimes though, Orange and White sees me scratching my groin from under the covers, and he punches my balls with his kitten paws. I think he thinks that there is a squirrel moving around under there, but really, it's just me scratching myself. Orange & White is crazy that way.

This morning I made some whip-cream toast for breakfast. Whip cream toast is really just french toast with whip cream, but minus the egg spread and it's cooked in a toaster rather than on the stove. My Dad used to call it "lazy man's french toast", but I call it "whip cream toast". Stop judging me.

As I mentioned, a big photo shoot was going to be taking place, so I had to get my furry ass in the shower. As you may already know, I'm now using a much fuller volume shampoo that the girls at the salon suggested to me. I'm not balding, let's get that clear right now. I just lack bounce. Ok, maybe I am balding. That scares the crap out of me, because who in their right mind is going to hire a bear model with a comb over? Male pattern baldness is the main reason that most bear model's careers are so short.

The photo shoot started up, and I was in the zone, the Auto-Zone. I was fierce, a fierce bear that could easily be "America's Next Top Model". When the lights flick on, and the camera starts clicking, it's like I enter a world of my own. A world where the only thing that exists is a big beautiful bear, and maybe some rainbows and unicorns, and a thrasher-metal band. That's what I see. I also see my giant head, with big hamburgers floating around it. It's really an out of body experience.

Being a model is really a lot like any other type of job though. There's a lot of down time, and for the most part, you need to fill those deffening voids of dullness. I accomplished this by getting a gigantic crush on the cute girl bear who works in accounting. I think her name is Kathy, but to be honest, I've been too shy to introduce myself to her. She seems like a real modern, intellectual girl, who spends her time listening to Velvet Underground LPs and eating vegan cupcakes. I can tell she thinks I'm just some mindlessly-shallow model. I really hate vegan cupcakes though, so maybe it wouldn't ever work out anyway.

I went out for a smoke and a Red Bull and saw Sally standing by the tree. She was probably eating a Vegan Cupcakes. I thought maybe I should just lie and say how much I love Vegan Cupcakes too, but instead I got scared and just froze. I felt all the blood in my body rush to my giant bear head. I wanted to look cool, but I'm not, so I just reacted nervously. I randomly grabbed some skateboard laying by me, then waved and rode off. What a pussy, huh?

I skated off down the street, and within a few moments, I had decided that I was done modelling for the day. I was really into the idea of going fishing that day. Doesn't being in the office all day make you feel isolated, and like you should be doing something more in touch with the earth, and really, truely, "living"? Like you should be spending some time fishing, or gardening. Those feelings always pass once you start thinking about the logistics of it though. Who wants to gather up a pole and all the other gear. Or touch a fucking worm. Sick. That's when I decided to go to the cafe.

Eating alone can be wierd. As I was sitting at the window counter, taking a sip of my mocha, I remember back to the last time I ate alone.

It was 5 years ago, and I was visting Paris for the first time. I loved Paris, because the Parisians are extrememly welcoming to Bears. They are really hip and progressive in that way. Mostly though, I loved the food. I spent that entire first day doing nothing but eating ham sandwiches and crepes from various street vendors around the city. At night time I worked up the courage and deturmination to just go eat alone in one of the fine cuisine establishments.

Moments into the meal, I got up to take a pee. I don't know if it was a reaction to the foreign food, or that I was just pushing to hard to hurry my pee, all I remember is one moment I was standing in front of the urinal peeing, and the next moment wet pooh was running down my leg. I really don't know what else to say, other than I didn't expect my first day in Paris would involve me shitting myself.

Speaking of dirty pants, I really needed to do the laundry. It was Tuesday after all, and even Bears need to do their laundry. Duh. I like to do my wash at the laundry mat next to the lake. That way I can go for romantic walks with myself while I'm waiting. I don't know why I do that though, because the lake usually just makes me sad. This day all I could think about was how I wished I had more friends. I bet if I had a normal full-time job, like most bears, I'd have crap loads of friends. We'd all hang around the break room and talk about mergers and synergy, and then after work we'd all get drunk on ice cream drinks at TGI Fridays. That would be tits.

I wonder what the Orange & White kitten is doing right now?
I bet he's hanging out with the squirrels today. I think as a part time job, Orange & White does the squirrels taxes, but some days they get together and hold big parties. He's so lucky.

As soon as my laundry was done, I ran over to the pay phone outside and gave Orange & White a call. Even by kitten standards, he is terrible on the phone. I hate talking to Orange & White on the phone. I don't even know why I bother to call him, we have a much better relationship just texting. He doesn't understand why we need to talk on the phone when we can just do the talking in "real person". Regardless, when I got home I was excited as ever, and hugged him until it was TV time. TV time starts at 7pm in The Bear household. I'm not really that into TV, but once I sit down on the couch, it gets so tired in there. TV time is fun none-the-less, because I get to eat crunchy things, like Doritos. I like to wipe the cheese residue on Orange & White's fur. I don't think he really likes that though.

We really like to watch reality TV shows like "Real Housewives of the OC". That kind of mind numbing entertainment makes it easier to go to sleep.

Sometimes in bed, I'll stay up worrying that other Bear's lives being much more interesting than mine, but TV shows like that remind me that they likely aren't. Those people on the television are going to a lot more parties than me, but that benefit is canceled out by the fact that they are quite hateable human beings. So that makes me feel pretty good about myself, and I have a wonderful night of sleepy time.